My girlfriend is sitting across from me, scraping the last of the vanilla yogurt from the container. She catches her reflection in the spoon. I can tell it shocks her a little bit, as if she had forgotten reflections existed. I imagine that might be convenient, to never reflect.
“I meant to tell you,” she says, “that I had the oddest dream last night.” She pauses. I stay seated, even though I’d like to get up and change clothes. The clock reads 5:52 PM. She starts again.
“It started out somewhere in a field. A large field, with tall grasses, and no buildings in sight. And there was a river. A very small river, more of a stream I guess. But you were standing there on the bridge. I think you were there, at least.
5:53 PM.
“Anyway, I was with you. And you had just flown in, on one of the tiny planes. You flew it, too. You knew how to fly. So we were standing there, and you were waiting for me to fly. ‘It’s easy,’ you said. But as soon as I tried, I felt terrified. I felt out of control and my heart was racing. I’m surprised you didn’t feel it.
5:55 PM.
“Anyway, I crashed into the river, or the stream. I began to drown, even though you know I know perfectly well how to swim. Still, I began to drown and you saved me. You pulled me out. And that’s all that I remember, I think I woke up then.” She had been staring down into her lap but she looked up. I felt her gaze fixed on my face, searching.
“Have you ever tried to control your dreams?” I say. “I’ve heard of people doing it, you know, when they don’t like the way things are going.”
“Well,” she says, “I liked the way things were going.” She stands up, stretches, walks past me. I sit alone in the kitchen now. The whir of the refrigerator seems impossibly loud. My girlfriend, Merilee, she’s a vacuum. She leaves and with her she takes all the silence and the air. She has never suffered a day from worry, or at least this is what she tells me. I believe that it could be true. I believe many things about this woman.
Merilee can’t believe how much the wind and the time affect me. I guess it’s hard for her to understand. In the time it takes her to tell me about her dreams, I note the clock three times. “Are you going somewhere?” she has asked me before. Sometimes I answer, mostly I apologize. I don’t think she means it, she just doesn’t understand there are some things I cannot control. Like passing by 5th and New Loridans street. Nothing to see but it seems like if the wind blows just so, everything is suddenly different. This is the best way I can explain it to her, or anyone.
“I want to do something,” she says to me from the other room. “Is there something we can do?” I hate to think she is bored.
“Sure,” I say, “there are lots of things.”
“I don’t want to spend money, though. Maybe we could go for a walk, like in the park?”
But the truth is that I don’t want to go for a walk in the park. My heart is racing and I am sitting in our kitchen. I want to sink into the earth and beat from underneath. I want to be still and I want to remove my shoes.
“Should we go for a walk?” she says. She thinks I haven’t heard.
“Are you sure?” I say. She doesn’t answer. I hear the door close.
I get up and make myself a drink. I am about to call for Merilee when someone knocks on the door.
“Just a second,” I hear her say. She has not told me that anyone is coming over. I have to assume she knew about this. I walk into the hallway to see the guest of honor. It’s our neighbor, Phillip. My stomach moves up into my chest. Merilee has invited Phillip over to play dominoes. She can ask him, because he is in some unknown band, for some new music suggestions. Her domino fixation is odd and I have never understood the fun in it. Phillip is hardly ever home, what with his booming career and such. I’m more than a little surprised to see him sitting in my living room while my girlfriend finds the box of dominoes.
“Ah, I didn’t know you were coming over,” I say.
“Nathan,” Merilee says. Like a warning. She wants me to be ‘cool’ with this. I’ll be cool.
“How’ve you been, dude?” Phillip asks me. Dude. And in my living room. I defer.
“Merilee, you didn’t mention playing dominoes,” I say, turning away from the intruder.
“Well, no, Nathan. I mentioned going on a walk. But now I’m going to play dominoes with Phillip. I would have asked you to play but I know you don’t like it…”
“Will it bother you if I turn on the TV?” I say.
“Yes, Nathan. It would,” she says. So I guess I’ll just make another drink and watch my neighbor flirt with my girlfriend. And she doesn’t understand anxiety.
By the time I’ve made and enjoyed most of another drink in the kitchen, Merilee and Phillip are deep into a musical name-dropping game.
“Have you heard the new Best Coast album? The lead singer reminds me a lot of Rilo Kiley, and you like her, don’t you? I think you’d really like them. You should also check out Cults and Sleigh Bells, but they’re kind of heavy.”
“I like Hank Williams,” I say because I think it’s funny. Neither one laughs. I notice Merilee has changed seats; she’s closer to the neighbor now. If I could think about anything else I would. But there’s just this one thing and nothing else.
About a month ago, I had dinner and drinks with a few friends from college. Just the two I’ve kept in touch with. We had dinner at one of those sport bar kinds of joints where everything is real loud and the only lights are neon. You know, the places men can go together. Anyway, I had this planned and Merilee, she knew all about it. She said she was going to go do something with her girlfriends anyway. I got back to our place around 11 PM probably. Merilee was still gone so I sat out in the living room—this one we’re all in right now—and I watched TV. More sports, I guess. Then around about midnight, headlights flashed through the window. So I went over to the window and looked out but there was no car. I don’t know why I kept standing there but I did. And then I saw Merilee and this guy Phillip walking around the corner. Merilee was laughing and she had this smile tattooed on her face, like she’d never been so happy. Not to mention the dress she had on was something else. Phillip’s hand was guiding against Merilee’s lower back. Lightly, but there all the same. When they got about half way up the driveway, Merilee stopped and they faced one another. She smiled, gestured her hand forward and then up. Phillip shrugged, smiled. Then he tried to kiss her. And Merilee jerked. Quickly turned toward the house, shook her head. Still, she wanted it. I know that she did. And maybe it was guilt and that’s the only reason she’s here with me now.
“Nathan,” she says. Interrupting that stale moment. I never told her that I had seen them out there.
“Would you mind making us all a drink? I think one of Phillip’s friends may come over as well, is that right, Phillip? I think she might join us in a little while.” I nodded, made like I was smiling. A regular orgy to take place in my living room and all I can do is make drinks.
“Any preferences?” I ask.
“Oh, how about a couple of dark and stormys?” she says. “Now it’s finally beginning to get warm outside.”
I make the drinks and settle back into my spot on the couch. “So, Phillip, who’s this friend of yours?” I say. “A groupie?” This visibly upsets Merilee but Phillip just laughs. I decide to laugh too, despite how little I am joking.
“She’s just a friend I know from the business,” he says. The business? I’m aware I am in my living room but this is all. My heart feels like its about to come through the back of my neck. And then Merilee giggles; she confirms it. And I find it all unbelievable. They move the dominoes around, Merilee shouts and laughs. I guess she’s won. I finish my drink and look around. 7:13 PM.
“Merilee,” I say, “what about dinner? Are you going to want to eat?”
“Of course,” she says. “Maybe when Phillip’s friend gets here, the four of us can go out for dinner. Wouldn’t that be nice? We could go to that new tapas place over by the park. I’ve been wanting to go there since it opened.” Sit through a dinner with Phillip? No, thank you. As much as I like the thought of him outside my house already…
“Nathan? Don’t you think that would be nice?”
“Honestly, Mer, no.” I’ve had enough of his face, his ‘dudes,’ his ‘business.’ Merilee looks stunned. I sit back and sip the last of my drink. Phillip moves around a little, makes like he’s going to stand up.
“Well that’s cool, dude. I’m going to go meet up with her, with Liz I mean, I think she’s expecting me to be at my house,” he says. Funny, I think, I was expecting you to be there, too.
“That’s okay, Phillip. You don’t have to…” Merilee says.
“You two have a nice night,” he says. Gone, finally. 7:17 PM.
“What the fuck was that, Nathan? Huh? You want to tell me why you’ve had a stick up your ass all night?” I stay where I am. She’s up now, arms waving.
“I haven’t got the stomach for that guy,” I say. “I mean, what’s up with that name dropping anyway? I thought you found that kind of shit infuriating?”
“You’ve got a problem,” she says, “and it’s not with him, is it? It’s you. The problem is with you.”
She’s clicking the dominoes hard and fast against one another, as many as she can fit in one hand before putting them back into the box. She never told me she knew how to play.
“I think I do understand what it feels like to drown,” I say. She stops and looks at me.
“What are you talking about, Nathan?”
“You’re right, Merilee,” I say. I look to take another drink but there’s only ice. I lean forward. “I do have a problem.” She says nothing, makes a look like she thinks I’m being stupid.
“I saw you two in the driveway last month, Merilee. I saw it. I saw his hands and your dress and the way you smiled, I saw all of it. Why didn’t you mention it, Merilee? Did you feel guilty? Huh? Why didn’t you say anything to me, Merilee?”
“Nathan,” she says. And her eyes give. She leaves the room, 7:28 PM. I sit back again, rub my face over and over. I try to breathe but still feel that I cannot. In my chest, the water is there. I grit my teeth. Still it seems that nothing can dry this pain. Then she’s back. And it is 9:36 PM.
“I’m going to stay with my sister,” she says. She holds two full bags. I stare up at her, motionless.
Merilee and I didn’t really meet. We were introduced. A friend of a friend’s girlfriend. Thought that I was lonely and told me she had a friend for me. Almost ten months ago, it was. Merilee blew into my life and I am sure she will figure me out, one of these days, maybe today. When she does, I believe Merilee will not be afraid to take flight, the way she was in her dream. In life, she’s much more bold. She will figure me out and she will fly. And I will remain, motionless.